Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem Part 2
Another explanation of inappropriate parental actions
resides with the emotions, as opposed to simply rational motivations of
behavior. The development of the ego
ideal, in the mind, of the young, creates levels of perfection, with aims and
goals of unrealistic expectations and achievements in numerous areas. These unrealistic unconscious emotional developmental
markers can simply never be mastered during one’s lifetime. So, when a young
adolescent later becomes a parent, that original early non fulfillment continues
to be never reached nor satisfied. Not only that, the individual was more than
likely unaware of his unconscious emotional deficit and drive. It’s not
surprising, that the male parent, by means of introjection and projection, wishes his
male offspring ,chip off the old block, to do well and in essence to fulfill his
own unconscious dynamic coupled with
expectations” I want what’s best for my kid and I want my kid to better or
exceed me.” Whose goal? Spending money;
traveling to practices; and tournaments was merely a futile attempt to fulfill
the built-in failure of the ego ideal dynamic and rationalize the parent’s
sacrifice. There are exceptions of course. Imagine being the basketball son of
Shaquille O’Neil or Michel Jordan? For them, it’s a set up for failure. Poor kid to have a legend for a father.
Bo Schembechler’s motivation illustrates the power
dynamics of the ego ideal. As a kid, the
southpaw high school pitcher Bo had his heart set on playing college football
for Notre Dame and pitch in game seven of the World Series. He did not
accomplish either goal. However, he became a football coach, and in the process
expressed his unmet emotional dynamics with frustration, anger and a myopic
focus. His coaching methods and style were physically brutal and disrespectful
like with his preseason “slap and stomp” drill. Verbally, he swore, was
sarcastic, put down his players, and didn’t complement them even when they made
spectacular plays. He said things like “you’re the worst player in college
football, we wasted a scholarship on you, and son of a bitch.” His coaching
behavior was based on the premise to avoid losing, at all costs, which would be
interpreted as failure. Since, emotionally, failure was experienced as weakness,
terrible, and as being a “loser.” Not good for one’s damaged self-esteem, either.
Off the field, he could be warm and fuzzy like a father. Jim Betts, Thom
Darden, Jim Brandstatter, Reggie Mc Kenzie, Fritz Seyferth, Mike Keller and
others have their personal stories. A smart phone with picture and recording of
his football practices would’ve spelled trouble for Bo.
Frustration can develop when the child, adolescent or
teen does not dominate, makes mistakes, nor distinguish himself in the sport.
Frustration leads to anger, and the unhappy, perturbed adult can direct his
displeasure against son by disapproval, withdrawing, etc. However, more than likely,
it is also easy for him to displace and release his hostility and direct it
toward an opposing player, an opposing team, or an opposing parent. Displacing the anger towards a referee is
also typical and much too common.