Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem Part 2

Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem  Part 2

Another explanation of inappropriate parental actions resides with the emotions, as opposed to simply rational motivations of behavior.  The development of the ego ideal, in the mind, of the young, creates levels of perfection, with aims and goals of unrealistic expectations and achievements in numerous areas.  These unrealistic unconscious emotional developmental markers can simply never be mastered during one’s lifetime. So, when a young adolescent later becomes a parent, that original early non fulfillment continues to be never reached nor satisfied. Not only that, the individual was more than likely unaware of his unconscious emotional deficit and drive. It’s not surprising, that the male parent, by  means of introjection and projection, wishes his male offspring ,chip off the old block, to do well and in essence to fulfill his own unconscious dynamic  coupled with expectations” I want what’s best for my kid and I want my kid to better or exceed me.”  Whose goal? Spending money; traveling to practices; and tournaments was merely a futile attempt to fulfill the built-in failure of the ego ideal dynamic and rationalize the parent’s sacrifice. There are exceptions of course. Imagine being the basketball son of Shaquille O’Neil or Michel Jordan? For them, it’s a set up for failure.  Poor kid to have a legend for a father.

Bo Schembechler’s motivation illustrates the power dynamics of the ego ideal.  As a kid, the southpaw high school pitcher Bo had his heart set on playing college football for Notre Dame and pitch in game seven of the World Series. He did not accomplish either goal. However, he became a football coach, and in the process expressed his unmet emotional dynamics with frustration, anger and a myopic focus. His coaching methods and style were physically brutal and disrespectful like with his preseason “slap and stomp” drill. Verbally, he swore, was sarcastic, put down his players, and didn’t complement them even when they made spectacular plays. He said things like “you’re the worst player in college football, we wasted a scholarship on you, and son of a bitch.” His coaching behavior was based on the premise to avoid losing, at all costs, which would be interpreted as failure. Since, emotionally, failure was experienced as weakness, terrible, and as being a “loser.” Not good for one’s damaged self-esteem, either. Off the field, he could be warm and fuzzy like a father. Jim Betts, Thom Darden, Jim Brandstatter, Reggie Mc Kenzie, Fritz Seyferth, Mike Keller and others have their personal stories. A smart phone with picture and recording of his football practices would’ve spelled trouble for Bo.

Frustration can develop when the child, adolescent or teen does not dominate, makes mistakes, nor distinguish himself in the sport. Frustration leads to anger, and the unhappy, perturbed adult can direct his displeasure against son by disapproval, withdrawing, etc. However, more than likely, it is also easy for him to displace and release his hostility and direct it toward an opposing player, an opposing team, or an opposing parent.  Displacing the anger towards a referee is also typical and much too common.