Bye-Bye Love

In last week’s post, I mentioned that Epicurus, with his pleasure-absence of pain philosophy, believed that friendship was most significant in order to achieve the highest goal in life - happiness. Many years later Barrett, with an existential slant, stated that “the individual is thrust out of that sheltered nest … He learns that the solitude of the self is an irreducible dimension of human life …. In the end, he sees each man as solitary and unsheltered before his own death. More recently, Horney and others wrote about the anxiety and tension system surrounding the cutting of the umbilical cord at birth and further, the negative consequences of anxiety throughout life. In fact, the Everly Brothers, in the 1950s, recorded Bye Bye Love. This popular hit touches on the theme {dynamics of loneliness} of this essay. The first stanza as follows: Bye bye love; Bye bye happiness;   Hello loneliness; I think I’ma gonna cry.  With those lyrics and the interrelatedness of the above as background, let’s turn our attention on the beginning separateness of the infant.

The infant immediately experiences anxiety and trauma when expelled from the womb. The anxiety or tension from the infant’s physiological needs are reduced by the caretaker. Eventually, the association between tension reduction by the caretaker are reinforced.  Then, at about six months, when that caretaker leaves the room, the six-month-old experiences separation anxiety and cries over the loss. At this point, the infant experiences being alone and separate from the caretaker. Psychologically, dependency, solitude, nakedness and loneliness surfaces. That infant is unable to survive on its own and is clearly dependent on another for its life.

Turning the focus on the underlying crisis of “loneliness”, as a significant and primary anxiety state, we now have one of the main dynamics that motivates man. The child quickly learns that by crying, day or night, it can likely reduce its separation from the caretaker. In childhood, the ability to make associations, with others, is one criteria for mental health. The interpersonal interactions take on the degrees of three main strategies. One can move aggressively or sadistically toward another; one can be dependent or masochistic with another; or per Fromm, one can learn to interact with care, respect, responsibility and knowledge {characteristics of love] with another.  In any event,  the individual learns to reduce its anxiety, uneasiness and discomfort of being alone by associating with another.

Throughout one’s development, one attempts to learn many conscious techniques or strategies to escape the emptiness of loneliness.  As an adolescent, one can become part of a clique; join a team, a club or some other association; attach oneself to a girlfriend or boyfriend; falling in love; engage in a lot of sex; have a baby of one’s own; use drugs, alcohol or some other substance; lose oneself in an electronic device or devices; identify with some sports hero, media star or other “famous” individual etc. Of course, these strategies are just” fixes” because one is always “alone.”

Later on the individual attempts to reduce loneliness by getting married. Remember the marital vow says to death do us part. Getting married was supposed to alleviate the loneliness crisis. We also have divorce followed by another marriage even though one might have said” I’m not ever getting married again.” In fact, some even divorce and remarry the same individual.

Unfortunately, marriage does not resolve the loneliness dynamic. Further, it’s not surprising, but after a long union, when one spouse dies it’s quickly followed by the death of the partner. It’s also not surprising, that we have the empty nest syndrome; having many children; moving in with children etc. Also, it’s not surprising that so many have difficulty with retirement and lose their work friends in the process. The death rate following retirement is also high {for teamsters, it’s 3 years|.

It’s a fact, that many individuals submerge and distract themselves in cognitive or physical work; keep busy at a frantic pace; and live an exhausting life. However, when it comes to sleeping at night, there are unable to turn off the thoughts in their head and retire with a good night’s sleep. Also, how many drive their vehicles in complete silence or walk around their home without having TV or radio playing in the background? It’s very difficult to be alone because of the anxiety, uncomfortableness or restlessness it generates.

Another terrific option for companionship rests with owning a pet. In fact, my equines and dogs were more than companions. My horses Nowata, Leo, Running Bear, Raider and Gypsy carried me during my Ride and Tie and endurance competitions. My lab Beau and border collies Scampi, Misty and Sherry accompanied me on many trails while conditioning my horses and myself. I have shed many tears with their departures.  The grief was severe. It’s also been said that a man’s best friend is his dog and there’s a lot of truth in that saying. The article in the August 4, 2019 of the New York Times titled “Things People Say to Their Dogs” tells more of the story with the following examples: “You’re so cute and so smart. And worth money; I could marry you.” “Don’t even think about it.” “Be nice; when you get tired, you get nasty.” “You guys are going to have to get coordinated.” “Be part of the solution, buddy.” “We talked about this; no eating stuff you find on the street.” “Hey; Stop it; We talked about this yesterday.”

Despite the numbers of roommates, romances, apps, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn etc., Great Britain has a loneliness epidemic. We have senior living centers where old folks can meet new associates .Unfortunately, it’s a setting where everyone dies. Residing in Senior Centers are simply sadomasochistic arrangements. Remember, it doesn’t matter how many social media friends, tweets, and followers one has, because one is separate and the existential crisis reality is that everyone dies alone. This is the quandary of human nature.  And, the 3 powerful words “I love you “do not solve the loneliness crisis. Some, for their solution, look to God on their death bed.

PS

Ram Dass, in his wisdom, stated “The ego, this incarnation, is life and dying. The soul is infinite.” Aside with his brilliance, believed in meditation and in the here and now. His spiritual friend and teacher was the Maharaji. In fact, Steve Jobs traveled to India in 1974, on a pilgrimage, in search of the Maharaji. Unfortunately, this spiritual leader had died a year earlier.