Love Is Elusive

 

Love is a word that's commonly misused .There are a variety of meanings employed when referring to love. As a result, the use of the word is often misleading. The  history of man, musical lyrics, novels, poetry ,myths etc. describe a multitude of sentiments and facets called” love.”  Cleopatra and Mark Antony, Abelard and Heloise, Romeo and Juliet and Frankie and Johnny come to mind.Was it  love?  Masters and Johnson, The Pill, Hugh Hefner, Gloria Steinem, Larry Flynt,Viagra, and Dr. Ruth were household words regarding sex .This disquisition  describes qualities of thinking, feeling and behavior associated with love.In other words, love has to do with thinking , feeling and interacting with somebody ..

Love is a feeling or sentiment even though feelings rapidly change, are difficult at times to label, and are of short duration.Love ,in addition to a feeling ,has to do with thinking and behavior. Attitude is defined as a set of emotions, beliefs and behaviors towards a particular object or person. This disquisition pertains to love within an interpersonal union and not to an event,abstract or idea like god,freedom,democracy,followers, possessions etc. .Qualities and the aim of love include care,security, growth and satisfaction within a significant union.

Care encompasses health, welfare, protection and  trust. Health refers to both mind-body being free of impairment.Health refers to physical condition. If the lover is overweight or obese or that demonstrates inadequate caring for self.Obesity is associated with illness,delusion rationalization and not longevity. Obesity is a disease that occurs because of self-defeating behavior. These characteristics suggest one has to be able care for themselves before they can care for another.

 Psychologically, the individual has to be free of neurosis,addictions,drugs and  to be able to receive love. Further, tendencies of  defensiveness,deceitfulness, sadomasochism,selfishness, and narcissism are also not healthy character traits. Instead, rationality,reason are important and not having tendencies for mistrust, hate and division. Caring is  being able to listen without judgment. The goal for listening is to provide  understanding with empathy; being able to give necessary assistance when asked; and being able to have the knowledge,expertise without being a rescuer .For instance, the ability to say: “ I do not know” is necessary for honesty and for developing trust. In other words, caring has to be more than words. It's like an attitude. It's more than a feeling, because the behavior encompasses rationality,honesty and not just a means to an end. Appropriate  honesty and consistency helps establish trust with the notion that I can count on you to be there.

Security has to do with the occurrence of both the physiological and the psychological stresses. Security has to encompass  the  well-being of both.  Can an attitude, feeling of safety and reliability exist without emotional security?  It’s also about understanding, the insecurities and the emotional triggers at play. Can the giver provide a sense of security in those circumstances?  Verbal and behavioral reassurance must be employed with reliability and consistency for trust to develop.  For example, telling someone they are crazy, nothing to be fearful about, I have it covered,don't feel scared is not helpful. Everyone’s  thoughts and feelings are uniquely their own. First, understand the threat and second provide reassurance in words, silence and/or actions.Perhaps saying: I understand or saying nothing but providing physical contact like a hug might be all that's necessary. Perhaps calmly expressing rational explanations might work.  It's important to  understand the intellectual and emotional triggers and fight against tendencies to rescue, to fix,to make it go away. Do not allow personal insecurities to get in the way. Be there in the present.

 For Intellectual, creative  and physical growth to occur, one mission for the partner is to provide positive reinforcement for the interests and passions. It's not about control, restraint or restrictions.  It's about acknowledging the interplay between satisfying the recurring dependent and the independent dynamic.Retentive tendencies can squash and stifle  growth.  Controlling behavior is counterproductive and interferes  with facilitating and reinforcing someone's interest or passions.Linda has a passion for  music, so I support and reinforce her passion.Rivalry is also counterproductive and stifles growth.Warmth,empathy ,reinforcement, and being in the present is imperative. 

Satisfaction encompasses much within an interpersonal relationship, especially when it comes to sex. Mutual sexual satisfaction for both is an important element  and not just focusing on one partners pleasure. Jane Fonda, age 84, stated women get better at sex as they age:  "Give me what I want." Well that's half the story .Mutuality is prime. Satisfaction has to deal with pleasure ,fulfillment of wishes, expectations and needs. One must  enjoy and receive pleasure from  their partner.Temporary chemical and behavioral craziness can exist at the beginning of a sexual relationship and eventually fades. Sex is wonderful with a person that you love. It's the foreplay, jubilation, exaltation, unparalleled pleasure, super delight with  sensuality.  It's reaching the top of the mountain, not at all like Sisyphus. Internal thoughts during and after the wonderful sexual  experience tells  the true story of love. Freud referred to it, in part, as genital love;  Maslow, in part, as the most intense ecstatic perfection approaching the level of a mystic experience ;and Fromm, in part , as experience of sharing, of communion which permits the full unfolding of one's own inner activity and its the mystical experience within a union. 

 Infatuation fades. What  happens after the initial "romantic" episode? Individuals have histories, needs,expectations,goals and interests and so forth. It’s unrealistic to expect  to find personal satisfaction,pleasure or fulfillment in all the activities of the other. Linda likes to fly fish,not me.However, I accompany her on her outings. However, one must like their partner. It’s also a fact that sexual satisfaction does not cure neurosis ,addictions,isolation or sadism.

Emotional maturity is also important for the ability to love self and the object.Is the individual emotionally ready for love, without unresolved conflicts or attachments ? Emotional readiness is not of chronological age, gender or color of skin .Some individuals may be capable and have the emotional maturity for love in their 20’s, 30s, 40s, 50s , 60s etc.  In other words, it’s definitely not teenage” love “ with their rising hormones . My research study of pregnant teenagers found they had low self-esteem, poor body image and not a clear sense of who they were. Deficits of an emotional understanding of self  becomes obvious. For many, the task of adolescence is not about love, but about sex, affiliation and acquiring money. Within emotional readiness, the individual has to be capable of intimacy, giving  and not simply in a quid pro quo relationship  There has to be an absence of submission to power,seeking approval and especially not pursuing fiction, romance and illusions. Emotionally it’s the giving to another that enhances both The capability of care, security ,growth and satisfaction contributes to an actualization intellectually and physically for well being.

Selfishness is not part of the love equation. Selfishness is not  self-love.Selfishness is a type of greediness. Greediness is an element of the insatiable desire in which  the  individual never finds any real satisfaction. It’s a bottomless pit .It’s the pursuit to satisfy that need, without ever reaching it. It’s like always being hungry, never being full. We also know that with greediness, the individual fears not getting enough, of missing something or being deprived.  Selfishness is a deficit based on insecurity and non fulfillment. Individuals struggling with insecurities, and so forth are not in a position to give to another. Persons that are selfish also have low self esteem and dislike themselves. If one has a negative view of self, one is not capable of loving another.

Narcissism ,which is self adulation, is also  an example of someone who is deficient in security and satisfaction. If one has achieved a belief in self and is not totally subservient to the pursuit of money, career,power, possessions and so forth, that can be a plus. If one is devoted more towards accumulation, possessing, achieving and is driven primarily by tendencies for self-interest or adulation that can interfere with loving another.  So there can be too much self absorption.It's really the ability to  balance the life ratio between needs of self and the needs of another. Also important in the ability to love is need coherence and not need dissonance. For example, if my need for succorance is critical-have my needs satisfied by the sympathetic aid of another; to be appreciated, nurtured, and to always have a supporter ,then finding that characteristic in the partner is critical .I certainly don't want to partner with someone that has a need for abasement which is to accept injury, to blame ,to criticize, and one that self punishes.

Sadomasochism, as in spousal abuse, is also not associated with love and yet we see couples in dysfunctional relationships .It’s critical not to sacrifice and  be dependent based on subordination. With sadomasochism, first  the beating occurs; next the object threatens to leave; then the sadist pleads and begs for forgiveness ;and then the object submits and remains. In essence,it’s a symbiotic relationship . One has to dominate and exploit the other with  mastery and control while the other submits to the power and abuse of her partner. In essence, both are co dependent, insecure,and terrified of being alone.They need the attachment. Although these  behaviors seem contradictory, both of these individuals lack independence,autonomy, strength and unconsciously require the irrational security provided. Caring and growth are clearly absent.

In closing, it has been suggested by Watson that love is learned. On the contrary, one can love  providing they have positive self esteem, temperament and character. Psychological and physical sickness,addictions, selfishness, sadomasochistic, and narcissism,tendencies interfere with being able to give and receive .The ability to love self , love others and capability to engage in, meaningful and purposeful work results in optimum potential for care, security,growth and satisfaction. Additionally, check out and enjoy the lyrics and music to "This Magic Moment," "Unchained Melody," "At Last," "I Will Always Love You" for smiles and pleasure. On a more sobering note, according to Kurt Vonnegut.  "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."