Unions among Homo sapiens are ” the good, the bad and the u gly “ per Clint Eastwood . The February 19 , 2023 edition of the New York Times had two articles pertaining to that movie title. They were titled "My Friend Won't Leave Her Abusive Husband. What Do I Do ?" and “Unhappily Married .” This essay examines how an excessive or neurotic requirement for affection affects unions .
Homo sapiens , in their journey, are coupled with ongoing dependency, separation , anxiety and hostility . The importance of child rearing and its difficulty has been well documented. More specifically, warmth, affection, feeling loved, wanted and belonging are required to assist because of the immense helplessness for the developing newborn .
Parents' own needs often interfere with the child's healthy physical and psychological development. For example, the child's will , physiological and psychological wants, desires and needs can be thwarted , interfered with or frustrated during its development. Excessive crying and later hostility , as a result of frustration , becomes evident. Often, the child's hostility is repressed because of fear of loss of love. A child's hostility can also be the result of many factors, such as parental preference for another, siblings, some perceived unjust action, some deprivation of wants,,something real or imagined, being lied to and a plethora of unfulfilled promises. Moreover, frustration of wishes,and desires, can result in jealousy and hostility. Was that particular punishment fair or was it humiliating ? Jealousy and envy along with lack of perceived warmth ,security and affection are sources for hostile hatred.
Some parents have a tendency to over shelter and make their child or children obedient , keeping them ignorant and overprotected and reinforce these actions by intimidation . Keeping a child a dependent results in reinforcing a feeling of helplessness for the child. This child is fearful and has to repress his hostility because he is dependent on that parent.and fears a loss of love. Keeping the child afraid of a “ dangerous “ world also results in repressed hostility. Essentially, when “genuine” affection is absent, the child has to repress his hostility for fear of losing love. These factors contribute significantly and interfere with healthy development.
With unhealthy infant and child development, the occurrence of basic anxiety is associated with feeling insignificant, helpless, deserted, endangered ,and fearful with hostility . In other words, basic anxiety and mistrust is established with hostility towards others because of being distrustful of them. It’s difficult to get close to those that you mistrust and/ or are toxic. With basic anxiety, there’s potential conflict with the inability to rely on self and being unable to trust others . With mistrust ,there’s hostility and the seeking of reassurance during development. Thus, in spite of mistrust, the need for some type of affiliation remains.
Affiliation is the need to draw near and enjoyably cooperate or reciprocate with an allied other. To please and win affection for a cathected object . To adhere and remain loyal to a friend. Within this definition, we are going to focus on “to please and win affection for a cathected object” Also important to note is that neither love nor marriage are needs, but sex is according to Murray.
There are essentially four ways that Homo sapiens engage and employ to protect themselves against basic anxiety in order to seek pleasure and reduce pain. One significant and foremost motivational tendency results in a striving and wanting to be loved, approved , appreciated, desired and connected. This desire for seeking “love “ and affection, is the reassurance against anxiety. It can result in the illusion of loving, especially with a person whom he likes. Often this results in a feeling of infatuation and/or responses depicting some kind of gratitude and/or kindness. In other words, any kind of received or degree of affection may result in the superficial or the illusion of love with the primary intent of reducing the separation anxiety.
Seeking affiliation and affection, for a neurotic, as a result of the wish to reduce the dreaded anxiety or protection results in submissiveness. Submissiveness is essentially a conscious awareness but unconsciously motivated. It’s a wish or belief : If you love me, you will not hurt me; if I give in to you , you will not hurt me. In other words, obedience for affection becomes so important that the behavior becomes a willingness to pay any price in complying with the demands of another. One hears a lot of “ I’m sorry.”
Unfortunately, with feelings of helplessness, ineptitude, neediness and inadequacy, and the perception of living in a hostile negative world, the search for affection to help with some appreciation seems logical. However, for the” neurotic” there’s a history of failures with friendships, marriages ,love affairs and work relationships. In other words, it’s like the chasing of the Phantom of love,for approval, being loved and belonging.
Hostility and anxiety are dynamics for the neurotic . It’s a dilemma . On one hand, he's incapable of loving and yet he's in great need of love from others . How can he love others, when he despises, and distrusts them. He still , at the same time , craves for their affection, help and support. Therefore , it's difficult to make the pursuit of affection possible because additionally the pursuit of a union also arouses fear of being dependent , controlled and manipulated . This quandary is impossible to resolve and end unhappily .
A few more illustrations associated with the neurotic’s need for affection. They include a compulsiveness of behavior and activity without discriminating and translates "I must be loved at any cost." Examples are compulsive eaters , alcohol, drugs and shoppers who attempted to fill that cavity. Weight gain, poor health and needless accumulation of things can neither be helped nor controlled by the neurotic. These behaviors suggest that they overvalue the irrationality of their activity. It’s simply a failure to undo and protect the individual from the earlier trauma of being reared inappropriately. Being liked , secure, approved, loved and belonging is paramount.
Also, for the neurotic, his seeking of love must be exclusive and unconditional . This translates :“love me for what I am , not for what I'm doing.” Disregard my behavior, forget it, doesn’t mean much even though I engage in unethical ,immoral criminal activities. I must be loved unconditionally. Of course it's realistically impossible for another to fulfill that requirement.
The neurotic is aware of his excessive hostility and has realistic fears that the other will withdraw based on his excessive demanding behavior . In other words, the insecurity around a potential loss of love, results in seeking constant reassurance, as in "do you love me ?" or "why do you love me?" Also, this individual is deeply sensitive to criticism, which is actually felt as a withdrawal of love and translates :“ If you love me ,you won't criticize me. “ This individual is also selfish and wishes to be loved, without having to love in return as well as without any advantage going to the other. Further, wishing to be loved , for the neurotic ,has to have sacrifices. The other person must sacrifice and demonstrate something like money, time, or gifts that indicate love. It doesn't matter that the sacrifice might be disastrous to the other. In other words, there's a disregard for all others and these demands and activities with its hostility seem obvious to all.
Is the craving for affection, a panacea or contradiction for reaching a state of nirvana? Yes, finding affection can result in feeling less isolated, less threatened, less hostile , less anxious while becoming more certain of self . However, since it becomes associated with love, It has become overvalued in our society. Just read all the poems about love , all the song lyrics and the politician saying “ I love you.” Obtaining affection ,”love” is the illusion that it is a solution for all problems, Because of our expectations that it can accomplish much more than the reality as in “they lived happily ever after .” In essence, the ideological emphasis that is placed , all messaging like “diamonds are a girls best friend” etc. serve to cover-up the psychological needs which create our exaggerated requirement for it .The dilemma is the necessary requirement for receiving affection and the difficulty in obtaining it.As Ben Franklin said “He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.”
0 comments:
Post a Comment