This essay pertains to The New York Times ,December 3, 2023 article titled "It's Okay to Never Get Over Your Grief" written by a professor of philosophy at the University of Warsaw. The professor quoted Freud's essay "Mourning and Melancholia" and argued for the continued maintenance or for maintaining a place for the deceased in our lives and that drawing on these relationships can be a source of strength .
Freud acknowledged there can be "normal" mournings. Normal mourning can be described as the ability to love and work. In other words, morning is normal when it doesn't interfere, obstruct or incapacitate healthy functioning. Melancholia was a term that Freud used. Today , the term is called a Psychotic Depression.
Concisely , Psychotic Depression is a mood disorder in which dejection, self deprecation and self condemnation reach delusional proportions. It’s when an individual loses effective contact with his human environment as a result of withdrawing. A sense of worthlessness and guilt persists.
Precipitating factors in a Psychotic Depression , is being vulnerable to psychotic episodes that are related to loss or threatened loss of a major source of gratification and/or a loss or threatened loss of one's basic security . And a loss of love may result in the form of a death. These Psychotic depressive reactions typically occur in the form of an attack and the onset may be sudden or gradual. In other words, an individual with a depressive personality type is vulnerable to loss of the significant other. Irrespective of a traditional religious morning practice
Freud described Psychotic Depression as being very different from a normal morning . There are many appropriate normal morning practices for certain groups For example, the Golden State Warriors assistant coach Dejan Milojevic , age 46, recently died suffering from a heart attack at a private team dinner that occurred despite lifesaving efforts. He was described by Coach Kerr as being a terrific basketball coach and one of the most positive and beautiful human beings he has ever known. Someone who brought joy and light to every single day with his passion and energy . and that he would grieve with, and for his wife Natasa and their children Nikola and Masa. The Warrior coach also received a tribute from NBA Commissioner, Adam Silver. The NBA postponed NBA games with the Utah Jazz and the Dallas Mavericks. Toronto Raptors head coach paid tribute as did Andre Iguodala . A moment of silence occurred between the game with the Dallas Mavericks and Los Angeles Lakers as players bowed their heads. The Toronto Raptor head coach said the Serbian is a great ambassador to the game as his picture was displayed on a big screen at the arena. The Warriors are also wearing a memorial tribute on their jersey's during each game for the rest of the season.
The philosopher's suggestion that prolonging grief is ok is poppycock. One size ,one religious custom and ritual is not psychologically healthy for everyone. For example, an individual that is depressed, and overly dependent on their partner and continues to grieve over an inordinate. duration, is more than likely to have that loss ,that reliance reinforced by others . The depressed and dependent, with their tremendous sense of worthlessness, approval seeking, blaming ,failure and guilt continues and persists regardless of what others say. It's as if there is a construction of a solid barrier or wall that maintains their toxic negative self-talk sense of self. Sympathy ,understanding, and support are like threats and dissonant and attack their self system . The threats must be repelled and displaced in order to maintain that emotional attitude and belief system. The oppositional ness with a consistent repelling of good deeds and grieving practices of a particular religious societal tradition,become reinforcing which further solidifies and perpetuates the suffering. They simply can't let go and irrationally hang on, which only works to their disadvantage as they are unable to think about their future of being alone. Within this dynamic, the remaining partner often joins their partner in death within the year as the loss of love for the dependent personality is so devastating as they symbolically require that “contact “ to fulfill their unmet dependency needs. So, extensive grieving only reinforces one's sense of worthlessness ;loss and guilt, irrespective of the input from others.
Dad passed away 44 years ago and mom 23 years ago. I have fond memories of dad who reinforced my independence by teaching me to drive his automobile once I could see over the steering wheel. One incident occurred when we were returning from cousin Sherman David's and Lorraine's wedding in Chicago. As I was driving back from Chicago, other drivers passed by and looked over to see if there was a driver behind the wheel. Dad also reinforced my sports activities as he attended practices and games at Denby and the University of Detroit. My friends called him "Big Ray." Dad also modeled and reinforced the power of education with his verbal brilliance. He even met Dr. William Wattenberg, the educational clinical psychology department chairman. At Wayne State University . Mom reinforced independence ,love , support and assisted me by typing the draft of my dissertation. She was smart and competitive too. I would not and could not compete with her over the game of Scrabble. She destroyed all competition. She would also say before my "runs and equestrian events" to not hurt myself. I'm appreciative of having loving and supportive parents that furthered my positive sense of self. I do not continue to grieve their death, but emotionally experience positive ,happy ongoing memories of our interactions.
Reference
Cameron, Norman. Personality Development and Psychopathology . A Dynamic Approach.
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