Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem Part 3

Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem  Part 3

College and professional coaches are “good” models in that they have no difficulty being enraged when the call goes against their team. This reminds me of a time when during a Ohio State and Michigan football game, Michigan’s Thom Darden made this spectacular interception guaranteeing Michigan’s win in 1971. Sports Illustrated referred to it as a moment of glory and” a play that defines college football.” Woody Hayes would have none of that.

Woody went up and down the sideline, knocking over yard markers while ranting and raging. The officials wound up giving him 2 unsportsmanlike penalties on that play against the Buckeyes.

I met, Bill Quimby that notorious referee a few years ago, at Thom Darden’s book signing in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. We talked about that call and that Woody was instrumental in removing Bill as a Big Ten football referee. Bill wound up being an NFL football referee for many years. I never asked Bill if he thanked Woody for his promotion.

In essence, it doesn’t take much in our society for us to experience frustration. With frustration, it becomes personalized with the release of anger as a result. That anger can be directed inward or verbally or physically directed outward. Signing a parent’s code of conduct is just a signature. How can a deeply over invested, frustrated parent or individual be expected to control that negative, tension filled emotion by signing a document?  Neither the 10 Commandments have not worked very well in controlling hateful, aggressive, emotionally based behavior, nor has the “death penalty”.

We know that the US leads in the manufacture of guns and the number of deaths per capita in the world. We also know that the ownership of guns can be political, and that one’s opinion regarding such can be emotionally based. As long as we

Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem Part 2

Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem  Part 2

Another explanation of inappropriate parental actions resides with the emotions, as opposed to simply rational motivations of behavior.  The development of the ego ideal, in the mind, of the young, creates levels of perfection, with aims and goals of unrealistic expectations and achievements in numerous areas.  These unrealistic unconscious emotional developmental markers can simply never be mastered during one’s lifetime. So, when a young adolescent later becomes a parent, that original early non fulfillment continues to be never reached nor satisfied. Not only that, the individual was more than likely unaware of his unconscious emotional deficit and drive. It’s not surprising, that the male parent, by  means of introjection and projection, wishes his male offspring ,chip off the old block, to do well and in essence to fulfill his own unconscious dynamic  coupled with expectations” I want what’s best for my kid and I want my kid to better or exceed me.”  Whose goal? Spending money; traveling to practices; and tournaments was merely a futile attempt to fulfill the built-in failure of the ego ideal dynamic and rationalize the parent’s sacrifice. There are exceptions of course. Imagine being the basketball son of Shaquille O’Neil or Michel Jordan? For them, it’s a set up for failure.  Poor kid to have a legend for a father.

Bo Schembechler’s motivation illustrates the power dynamics of the ego ideal.  As a kid, the southpaw high school pitcher Bo had his heart set on playing college football for Notre Dame and pitch in game seven of the World Series. He did not accomplish either goal. However, he became a football coach, and in the process expressed his unmet emotional dynamics with frustration, anger and a myopic focus. His coaching methods and style were physically brutal and disrespectful like with his preseason “slap and stomp” drill. Verbally, he swore, was sarcastic, put down his players, and didn’t complement them even when they made spectacular plays. He said things like “you’re the worst player in college football, we wasted a scholarship on you, and son of a bitch.” His coaching behavior was based on the premise to avoid losing, at all costs, which would be interpreted as failure. Since, emotionally, failure was experienced as weakness, terrible, and as being a “loser.” Not good for one’s damaged self-esteem, either. Off the field, he could be warm and fuzzy like a father. Jim Betts, Thom Darden, Jim Brandstatter, Reggie Mc Kenzie, Fritz Seyferth, Mike Keller and others have their personal stories. A smart phone with picture and recording of his football practices would’ve spelled trouble for Bo.

Frustration can develop when the child, adolescent or teen does not dominate, makes mistakes, nor distinguish himself in the sport. Frustration leads to anger, and the unhappy, perturbed adult can direct his displeasure against son by disapproval, withdrawing, etc. However, more than likely, it is also easy for him to displace and release his hostility and direct it toward an opposing player, an opposing team, or an opposing parent.  Displacing the anger towards a referee is also typical and much too common.

Parental Expectations with Damaged Self-Esteem

Parental Expectations with Damaged Self Esteem

An article titled “Parents Behaving Badly, by the Numbers” found in the November 4, 2018 edition of the New York Times was a perfect example of a parent’s inappropriate and disgusting behavior found in today’s culture. Per the article, “a video captured the angry crowd as it swarmed the football field to protest a penalty flag.  A man grabbed a referee from behind and body slammed him onto the ground. “This happened when the parent of a 13-year-old attended his boy’s football game in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Way to go dad!

In many states, parents, in their kid’s sports, are encouraged to adhere to a “Parent’s Code of Conduct.” This code includes statements like “I will be in control of my emotions;” and “I will remember that the game is for our youth-not adults.” Not surprising, a 2017 study of The National Association of Sports Officials reported that 40% of the officials named parents as a source of unsportsmanlike behavior.

 Rational explanations like money and a sense of belonging for the parents, which is similar to a tribal effect, have been associated with why parents are emotionally over invested in their kid’s athletics. A study in 2016, evaluated 78 fathers and 85 mothers; with median incomes topping 120,000 dollars a year; ¾ of the parents had a college degree; and spent an average of $1,583 a year. It was reported that spending more on the sport didn’t predict the child’s enjoyment; and that children who perceived their parents, as investing heavily in their sport tended to report a greater sense of parental pressure with a reduced sense of enjoyment.

To Be Continued

Disappointment Part 2

Disappointment Part 2

Now we proceed to November 23, 1969, 49 years ago. I was in a PhD program at Wayne State University studying for my qualifying exams. And, I am with a group of other to be psychologists. It was a Saturday and I turned on the TV in my apartment so we could watch the Michigan and Ohio State football game. I didn’t remember, at that time, that the Wolverines were 17 ½ point underdogs to the undefeated national champions Ohio State Buckeyes. I also didn’t know that my sister Bev was on her first date with Roger at that game.  Bev remembered that season with the announcer stating “Taylor touchdown” over and over again. She is dying to meet Billy Taylor, part of that, infamous Bump Elliott recruiting class.

I passed my qualifying exams and a few years later earned my Ph.D.; Bev is with Roger; and Bo Schembechler became the legend. The underdog Wolverines whipped the Buckeyes 24 to 12. Yes, Taylor scored a touchdown and first stringer’s Darden, Keller, Curtis, and Dierdorf distinguished themselves on the battle field in Ann Arbor on that Saturday afternoon. Because of that classic upset and because Schembechler was a protégé of Woody Hayes and that fiercely fought   game became the start of the 10 year war between the two coaching giant’s .The classic and best college rivalry between the two schools was clearly established.

Back to November 3, 2018, Bev and I are at the tailgate for the Michigan- Penn State game. We’re reminded by Jim Betts that November, 2019, in Ann Arbor will be the 50 year celebration of that monumental upset. She turned to me and said, “We have to go to that game,” and I turned to Jim Betts, saying, “You heard it from her.”

Today, November 24, 2018, the Wolverines were at the Horseshoe in Columbus. In fact, Harbaugh’s Michigan team was favored by 4 ½ points over the Buckeyes. That point spread hasn’t happened for almost 2 decades. Michigan was ranked number 4 in the country while Ohio State was ranked number 10. However, the Buckeyes Urban Meyer had owned Michigan and had been victorious over Jim Harbaugh for three years in a row.

Once the game started, there was no doubt about the outcome. The Wolverines defense was defenseless against the Buckeyes passing attack. Surprisingly, it didn’t appear that Michigan made any defensive adjustments during halftime to deal with Ohio State’s passing attack. The halftime score was Ohio State 24, Michigan, 19. Ohio State quarterback D. Haskins looked good-terrific against the Wolverine defense. Final score OSU 62-U of M 39.  Four in the row for Urban .This game  was a major disappointment. Better luck next November. Ohio State is now ranked number 6, and Michigan number 7.

PS

Bo’s Warriors Bo Schembechler and the Transformation of Michigan Football provides more depth and insight, and the background of current coach Jim Harbaugh.