Ask Paul Simon About leaving Your Lover

Self-Reflection, Emotions and Breaking Up There was an article in The New York Times, January 18, 2015 that gave an example of the best way to get over a breakup. A psychology professor and graduate student evaluated the self-reflection of 210 individuals ranging in age from 17 to 29 who had recently broke up with her partners. In one group, the individuals filled out a questionnaire pertaining to emotional feelings and then completed a four minute assignment in which they were asked to talk into a recording device and give responses to various questions that pertained to self-evaluation at intervals of 3, 6, and again at 9 weeks.

   The second group filled out the questionnaire at the beginning, as well as the end of the nine week exercise. Then, they did the speaking exercise only once after filling out their final questionnaire. Thus, the first group were given more opportunities to think and to mull over their responses regarding self on three separate occasions. It is suggested that these pertinent questions, assisted, these individuals into insights into their character.

   The researchers found that the first group experienced greater improvements in self-concept clarity [the degree to which you understand yourself as a person]. Briefly, the difference or explanation given by the researcher was that the speaking exercise helped people because it changed their thinking about their sense of self that was independent and separate of their former partner. This researcher thought that getting back a sense of self after breakup was extremely crucial.

   Perhaps another variable not measured might account for the differences in self-concept clarity. Given an opportunity to think about self might have changed an individual’s thinking. Learning, reflecting and thinking that the world is not coming to an end and that one can spend their time differently and productively can add to defining self. I agree that the sense of self is a very important variable and how thinking can change perception of self. The key is separation, individuation or a separate and independent self from partner. Otherwise, symbiotic attachments and other unhealthy components like dependency can surface and be suffocating.
 
    Thus, looking at the change [process] in thinking might provide more clues as to breakup efficiency. Further, it would be interesting to look at different character types to assess if some individuals can better utilize the self-reflection or emotional tool.

   Paul Simon’s 1975 song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” alludes to this research. For example, let’s take a look at some of the lyrics: “the problem is all inside your head” she said to me….. I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free….. Make a new plan, Stan…… Just get yourself free…… These lines of the Simon song acknowledge that the problem is in your head, which relates to thinking and perception of self. I’ d like to help you in your struggle to be free , suggests the struggle for separation and individuation while make a new plan gets one thinking about other ways to live and do things with their life. Just get yourself free again is to remove dependency issues by becoming separate emotionally.

 While this is going on, keep smiling, laughing, bonding, loving and appreciating.